And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
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[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
podcasts
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.