Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

We avoided this particular disaster

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Don’t snitch tag.