And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.