Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

when the buffet is more honest than your date

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

the only organized thing in my life is crime