Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,