And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…