And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.