And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
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Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
it takes so much energy
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good