Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’