Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hackers play passwordle

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.