Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.