Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

#parenting

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

🗽

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.