Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY