And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”