And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.