And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
peeping toms
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.