Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

“Why you watching this shit?”

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.