And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.