And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
You Might Also Like
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
