And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”