And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
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[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
San Francisco has too many rules
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*