“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
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You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Ha
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.