“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
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Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Wait a minute
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.