Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays