And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Oh my god
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.