And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.