And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀