…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes