Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first