….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere