And then there were 4
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable