And then there were 4
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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)