And then there were 4
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Not all heroes wear capes….
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE