And then there were 4
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(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it