“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
this is the news I live for
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Happy birthday to all the women
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.