“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.