@Cheeseboy22

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

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@huntigula

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

@McCPeggy

My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.

@sixfootcandy

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

@TomSchally

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

@underrateDad

“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…

@lisaxy424

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

@WilliamAder

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.