and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
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The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Simple enough.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
these two trucks have the same bed length
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.