and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
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*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Dogs lick you because they love you.
Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered