Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

😂😂

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Ok but actually

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.