Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”