“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
You Might Also Like
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Put a ring on it
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”