“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
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medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
They’re called werewolves.
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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.