And they lived apathetically ever after.
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history