And they lived apathetically ever after.
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.