And they lived apathetically ever after.
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.