Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

i think both sides are to blame here

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.