Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

The big book of baby names but for safe words

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.