Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨