Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?