Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury