“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

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Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.


[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.


Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.


Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.


Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.


The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.


George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.


Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.


Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.


I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.