“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
me working on my assignments ^-^
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke