Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.