Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Nice try, NASA

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

the only bumper sticker ill allow

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

S O O N

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years