“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid