Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for