Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

Not all heroes wear capes…

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?