and this one
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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
i baked you a cake
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
