Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Wait for it

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

ㅤ

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.