And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it