And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.