Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text