I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
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‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
‘What about earthquakes?’
-Me as a teacher
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[front of card]
No one will find your body
as attractive as I do
[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it
Wait couldn’t I just put the che
Mother of god
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Goes to bed*
I KNOW WHO TWEETED THAT!
-Me when reading ecards on Facebook
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY