Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Salad is the decaf of food.

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.