and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Erm…
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: