Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

I hope they boil the right one.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.