and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
There is wisdom there.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
