and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Only a mother’s love …
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?