“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.