And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
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Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”