And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
