Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.