Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

aura

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Bit chilly again tonight.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test